BORIS JOHNSON AIN’T NO WINSTON CHURCHILL, SAYS WINSTON CHURCHILL

Britain’s legendary wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill has made a rare intervention into modern-day politics to offer a stinging critique of Downing Street’s current resident, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

“The next time some arse-licking tabloid journo or, heaven forbid, Johnson himself compares that floppy-haired windbag to me, I swear to god I’m gonna haunt them for the rest of their miserable lives,” he said from beyond the grave.

“Let me put it this way, I won my bloody war. How’s his going? Let’s face it, coronavirus has kicked him right in the bloody pips. Watching him deal with that has been like watching a court jester try to split the atom.”

Since his death in 1965 Churchill has maintained a relatively low public profile, which makes his recent statement all the more incendiary. “And where the hell was he for all those Cobra meetings? Finalising his divorce, apparently. And the fuss he made about getting covid-19? Christ on a bike! I had a heart attack when I was in charge and never bloody told anyone!”

Johnson, who prefers to be known by the sobriquet “Boris” as it makes him sound more blokey and less stinking rich, was unavailable for comment, as he has been through much of this crisis, actually. Probably because he’s hiding under the coats in Chequers or something.

But before returning to the netherworld, our cigar-chomping Nazi-bashing leader had one last message for the comedy PM: “Oh, and Boris, enough with the Latin already, okay. No one’s impressed.”

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