GOLF THE REASON WE DON’T MAKE CONTACT WITH YOU, SAY ALIENS

Since people started reporting flying saucer sightings in the late 1940s, it has been one of the most enduring mysteries of modern times: do aliens exist and are they visiting our planet? Well, it seems that this grand question may finally have been answered.

One of the so-called “greys”, an alien species characterised by their small bodies, oversized heads and large almond-shaped eyes, has broken cover to reveal the true reason why they have yet to make contact with the people of Earth.

“I’ll be honest, it’s because of golf,” he explained. Speaking on condition of anonymity, the mysterious visitor when on to state that: “As long as your species still attaches social significance and huge financial rewards to the practise of knocking little balls into holes using special sticks, then we shall continue to deem you not sufficiently advanced enough to warrant contact. It’s as simple as that.”

So it’s not because you consider our species to be a threat, then?

“No. It’s purely the golf. If boorish businessmen feel unable to make deals without donning idiotic trousers, driving daft carts around and making racist jokes, then you are all unworthy. But what’s even worse are the legions of cretins who aspire to be a part of this mysterious practise. Who for some insane reason equate the membership of what you humans call a golf club with success. As long as this idiocy continues, you guys are on your own.”

And then he flew off in his flying saucer.

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