VANDALISING STATUES COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE (UNLESS DOMINIC CUMMINGS DOES IT), SAYS BORIS JOHNSON

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has stated that vandalising or pulling down statues during protests is “absurd and shameful – unless Dominic Cummings does it, in which case it’s okay”.

The former clown college dropout was speaking ahead of planned anti-racism protests across the UK today. He urged people to stay away from the protests, mumbling that there are “democratic processes for this sort of thing and that’s what should be followed, or something.”

Asked what would happen if his chief adviser vandalised a statue during a protest, Johnson obfuscated: “Obviously…erm…if such an occurrence occurred…I believe his behaviour would be reasonable and legal.”

When questioned further, he stated that the matter remains closed, even though it hasn’t actually happened yet, and even if it did, which it probably won’t but he just couldn’t be sure, it would still be okay, because…you know…he’s Dominic Cummings.

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